Volunteering in Cambodia

To all readers of my old blog, forgive me for lack of completion.  I spent four weeks volunteering at Honour Village Cambodia in November-December 2010 and I never got around to writing about it after that time.  The official excuse is that less than 10 days after returning home to San Francisco, I moved to Vancouver and started a rather intensive graduate program.  The task of finishing the blog got put at the bottom of the to-do list, and subsequently moved to the last to-do list in the stack of to-do lists.  But I’ve started writing about it again, as well as my experiences there in 2009 and 2011, which you can read about at my new blog, LouLou the Travel Bug.  See you there!

All Thai'd Up

Pai Sunset

Before I start, I wanted to tell you all that I just discovered (via Google) that Oom, one of the Dhamma servers from my Vipassana course whom I wrote so much about, is an actress, model, presenter, designer and magazine publisher... i.e. a Thai celebrity.  She won a Thai National Film Award for Best Actress!  Not sure she'll appreciate me telling you all this, but ?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!  What if the participants in the course recognized her from her films?  Wouldn't it have been distracting?  I had wondered, before I found this out, how a celebrity would manage to do a Vipassana course... I had thought it would be easier if they did it in a foreign country where no one recognized them.  OMG!!!  I just found YouTube clips of some of Oom's films... I'm star struck.  8-)

OK, now for the story... 

The course finished and I re-entered the outside world.  At first I was pretty stoked to be back in civilization.  I went back to Julie Guesthouse to all new people; besides the staff, everyone else had come and gone.  I had come and gone, and now I was back, as a new person myself.  I (temporarily) threw some precepts out the window and indulged a bit... I had a chicken pad thai and a beer at 11 o'clock in the morning.  Funny because I don't usually drink beer or eat chicken.  It was nice for a moment, but what was nicer was getting on the ol' Skypey and catching up with all my friends and loved ones after what felt like an eternity away.  I had so much to say and yet I could hardly find the words (oh, the irony!).  

I went to Pai the next day, a beautiful little hippie town four hours northwest of Chiang Mai in the jungles of Northern Thailand, very close to the Burmese border.  Pai is one of those places where time seems to stand still.  I got a twin room with a guy I met on the bus, Shea from Edmonton.  He was chill, but like most young travelers, wanted to go out drinking and socializing.  I did go out for one drink, but I went home early.  This is what I usually do anyway, but something was different here.  We rented a moped the next day and went out with a big group of European travelers.  Everyone went swimming in the various waterfalls we visited, and I just wanted to sit by myself and be.  I didn't realize how hard it would be to re-adjust to normal society.  At first I was so happy to talk again, but then I found I didn't have anything much worth saying.  Post-Vipassana culture shock finally set in.  

Shea and I moved to a cheaper place where we had our own bungalows for $3/night.  I found an organic food restaurant / tea house with the yummiest chai since East is East (in Vancouver).  I spent a lot of time reading my Vipassana books and trying to figure out what I would tell you all.  I also stayed in my bungalow a lot (the free wi-fi and blazing sun kept me inside) and then went back to Bangkok.  

Bangkok is hot.  I drank a lot of Thai iced tea.  I alternated between wandering around, eating and buying presents, to sitting in my room in front of the air-con trying to see if I could actually do some meditation.  I started with 15 minutes here and there... baby steps.  My back still hurt, I didn't have my comfy cushion, oh bother.  You could say I was dabbling in it.   

I ate so much my first day back in Bangkok... I had lunch in a restaurant, some fresh-squeezed orange juice, some pad thai from a popular street stall (no eggs or meat- how could I go wrong?) followed by mango with coconut sticky rice... I woke up the next morning feeling icky.  I stayed in bed until 11 and then ran over to the post office before closing (it was a Saturday).  I barely made it to the post office before I had to stop to find a loo.  Yucky tummy had finally struck... pretty good for having been traveling for eight weeks already!  Still not fun.  I made it through getting a box sent out at the PO, followed by another toilet run.  But, like the Indians, these silly Thai people don't use toilet paper.  I had to race back to Khao San Road and find a tourist establishment.  Phew!  Then a few steps back on the street and I felt it rising up in my chest!  Are you kidding me?!  I couldn't make it in time and I had to throw up in a bag right in the middle of Khao San Road.  The tuk-tuk drivers looked at me like a drunken floozy.  I didn't even have anything to drink, I swear!  I asked someone if I could sit down on their mini plastic chair in the alleyway.  "Two dolla!" she joked.  NOT FUNNY!!  I went back to my room and stayed inside all day.  This is a good example for why you need days of contingency when you're traveling.  Thank goodness for the Cipro that Linda had given me for India.  I had eaten so many things in so many places, I couldn't figure out where I had gone wrong, but I resolved to have steamed rice, yogurt and soda water at the guesthouse next door for the rest of my stay.  

The day after next I was to leave for Cambodia.  Ahh, Cambodia, my raison d'être, the whole point of this entire trip.  It was only in addition to coming back  to Cambodia that I managed to hit up India and Thailand as well.  All of that was an afterthought.  I went to Siem Reap last year for two nights/ three days to see the Angkor Temples and it changed my life.  I stayed at Golden Takeo Guesthouse where I met Dan and Cat, a British couple volunteering at an orphanage nearby.  I asked if I could visit, and they obliged.  There I met Sue Wiggans, a retired British primary school teacher from the Isle of Wight.  She had also come on a tour of the temples the previous year and returned to volunteer for eleven weeks to teach English.  December 17, 2009.  Our meeting changed my life.  I knew after that day that I would return a year later to volunteer.  I told Prom and Tee Tee, the manager and tuk-tuk driver at Golden Takeo, and they didn't quite believe me.  When I finally made it back and Tee Tee picked me up at the airport, he looked confused. "It's so weird to see you here again."  Well I told you, didn't I?!   

My four weeks here is sadly drawing to a close, but after visiting a rural village with Sue a few days ago to sign the paperwork for and bring in another child (coincidentally, it was December 17, 2010) I know I'll be back again next year.  I can't stay away.  Stay tuned and I'll give you the whole scoop on Honour Village Cambodia.

Dr. Vipassana: Days 8-10

Oom (center) and all the Anglophones

Day EIGHT

Day Eight was my fresh start.  I finally had my Day One attitude back, but with a lot more self-assuredness.  Now that I knew what I was after, I actually WANTED the pain to return so I could have something to work with!!  Ironic, isn't it.  And the pain did return, and it still hurt "me" at times, but not like it had for the four days preceding the breakthrough.  Whatever had happened to me the night before, I couldn't manage to get back to it.  I had clung to it, and now I craved its return.  I tried hard to focus and to do the meditation.  I really did.  I was able to remain neutral to the pain, but my focus problems would not cease to plague me.  I fell back into the ever-turning wheel of thoughts.  But now I felt lighter, graceful, and grateful.  At times I thought what a shame that I couldn't get back there, but I should have known that the breakthrough would also pass!  I was a little let down, but mostly I just smiled.  I had it.  I had my hour of awakening, and if that's all I could get out of these 10 days, then I was happy.  That was enough.

It was a good time for thinking, anyway.  I had two days left until I could talk and write again.  The joy!!!  I thought about love--not passion--but all the love I had for my friends, family, enemies (who are actually my greatest spiritual teachers), people that had come in and out of my life, people who had yet to come into my life!  People that I could help change themselves and that could and would change me.  I started to have some profound realizations as well.  I realized what detached love is.  I had previously thought, there is no way I can live without attachment.  What is love without it?  What is a relationship without it?  Goenka says, "A pleasure, accompanied by the tension of reaction, is no real pleasure."  Only unconditional love can last a lifetime.  Any other kind is as fleeting as everything else in life.  Nonattachment is loving without the clinging.  Understanding that the person or the object of affection won't last forever.  Understanding that your feelings for him/her/it won't last forever.  And being OK with all of this.  To accept the impermanence of events, relationships and people that come in and out of your life will actually free you from the 'bond' and once freed, you can experience true love.  This is the first time I'd ever heard that "love is a one-way street."  What a notion!!  Give it, and expect nothing in return.  Care about someone without taking it personally, without making it about you and how much you care about them.  And without reacting if they do not return the affection equally, or whatever is your personal idea of equal.  

Despite this realization, I may not be able to help myself from getting attached, and I accept that.  Goenka says that the point of these courses is not to alleviate all of your suffering in just ten days of intense practice.  That is silly.   He says that maybe you came here carrying a 100-ton load on your back.  Now you can leave with only 99-tons.  Or maybe you were able to get rid of five tons in ten days, and so you leave with only 95 tons remaining.  I probably eradicated .025 tons of my conditioned reaction habits, but hey, better than nothing, right?!   He explained it another way: you're not going to leave here and be free of reaction, but just maybe, in a situation where you would have spent seven hours reacting and mentally multiplying your misery, you'll only spend five hours.   Or maybe it will only take you three hours to come out of it."  This is why "continued practice is the key to success." 

During the discourse Goenka stresses the importance of the two aspects of the technique, awareness and equanimity.  They absolutely MUST be developed and practiced equally, just as the wings of a bird must be the same size for it to fly.  I said meh and let it go.  Even if I could do the meditation, I wasn't doing it the 'right' way according to him, and this was a big no-no that Goenka said would lead to nothing.  No benefits.  I didn't let this news bother me.  I knew that developing awareness was good whether or not it was in the framework of this very specific technique, and I know that what happened to me was real, and irreversibly beneficial.  I even went to the teacher to come clean about the compulsive thinking.  "Still wandering mind?!"  "It's like I'm still in Day Two!"   She chuckled.  I laughed.  It was cute.  She told me to go back to anapana (observation of breath) for as long as I needed.  I'm still doing anapana to this day.  

Day NINE

The second to last day was a haze.  I was blinded by the sheer excitement and I was too insanely distracted to focus on the meditation.  Oh, the anticipation!!!  But had I learned nothing?  Is it OK to crave for something that will undoubtedly arise?  Oh screw it.  I was so happy.  Happy for what I'd learned, happy for what I'd been through, all those seven days of torturing myself and what it taught me about, well, torturing myself.  Happy for tomorrow!!  When I could write and read and talk and smile and laugh!!  The simple things, the simple things.  I wasn't supposed to look at anyone, but I couldn't help smiling all day and people certainly noticed (they teased me about it later).   There were a few more aspects of the theory to learn and since I don't have much more to say about my Day Nine experience, I'll just get right to the good stuff.

The Vipassana technique helps us to penetrate towards the "ultimate truth".  That probably shouldn't go in quotes.  There are three stages of the technique that get you there:  1) development of the ability to perceive the underlying phenomena that compose apparent reality (i.e. the physical sensations that arise from stimuli in our six senses).   2) the arrival to the stage where the nature of the physical sensation changes.  After enough practice, you begin to feel a uniform type of subtle sensations throughout the body, vibrations that arise and pass away with great rapidity, almost to the point of arising and passing simultaneously.  3) The cessation of the process of drawing distinction and assigning labels.   There is a story about a saintly man who is old and dying, who seeks out the Buddha in his last days in order to be taught the technique and get right to it before he dies.  This is what the Buddha says:  "In your seeing, there should be only seeing; in your hearing nothing but hearing; in your smelling, tasting, touching nothing but smelling, tasting, touching; in your cognizing, nothing but cognizing.  When contact occurs through any of the six bases of sensory experience, there should be no valuation, no conditioned perception.  Once perception starts evaluating any experience as good or bad, one sees the world in a distorted way because of one's old blind reactions.  In order to free the mind from all conditioning, one must learn to stop evaluating on the basis of past reactions and to be aware, without evaluating and without reacting."  That's it.

An important point was cleared up for me on Day Nine.  Previously I had asked, how do you live life without enjoying the high of pleasant things and experiences?  If there's no passion, what is the point of relationships?  Of doing anything that interests you?  Goenka says, "There are those who imagine that always remaining balanced means that one can no longer enjoy life in all its variety.  This is the wrong understanding of equanimity.  With a balanced mind we can enjoy life more.  When a pleasant situation occurs, we can savour it completely, having full and undistracted awareness of the present moment.  But when the experience passes, we do not become distressed.  We continue to smile, understanding that it was bound to change."  I notice this now when someone tells me of their troubles or worries, and I tell them "fear not; it will pass".  It's so much easier to say that in response to an unpleasant event or circumstance, rather than when it's a good thing that is happening.  We can't strive for 100% pleasure and positivity, 100% of the time.  Keeping a balanced mind is really the key to dealing with all that life brings forth. 

Goenka often stresses that we're not here to bash other types of meditation, but he always implies that Vipassana is the best.  This annoyed me at times but he did make some good points.  Some types of meditation only serve to calm the mind.  With repeating a mantra or visualization a deity or a pleasant image, we divert attention from what is bothering us.  The reason why diverting attention does not work is because it "only creates a layer of peace and harmony at the conscious level."  The negativity is not eliminated, just suppressed and pushed down into the unconscious where it will stay and fester, waiting to erupt like a dormant volcano.  We can't run away from the negativity we generate; we must face it by observing the sensations that arise as a result.  It's following the 'middle path': we don't suppress what we feel, but we also don't let it escalate into harmful vocal or physical action.  This kind of stuff takes continued practice.  For the average person it is difficult to observe mental defilements and the accompanying sensations and changing respiration.  With practice (and I can speak from my own experience here) you start to see that you can remain balanced in external situations.  Even if you do react, it won't be so intense or prolonged as it would have been in the past.  "One never observers oneself, and therefore one is incapable of going to the depths of one's problems.  Instead one looks for the cause of one's misery outside, always blaming others for one's unhappiness."  Time for all of us to stop doing that.  

In examining yourself and coming to know this reality that the Buddha was so dedicated to sharing with everyone, you develop compassion for humanity.  You see how no matter how much money or love you got growing up, everyone is suffering.  It leads to a greater understanding and better skills to deal with seemingly 'bad' people.  "Whenever another abuses or otherwise misbehaves, the understanding arises that this person is misbehaving because he is suffering."  People still piss me off, but I realize a lot sooner now that it's MY reaction to them and I try to be more understanding of why they do the things they do, i.e. out of ignorance.  

Day TEN

If there is a heaven on earth, it is the last day of a 10-day Vipassana course.  I woke up giddy.  I had only a few more hours until "approximately 10:00AM" when Noble Silence would end!  Wowowowowowowow!!!!!  I did it!  Yipee!  I'd have been proud of myself, but I was trying to remain equanimous under the pretense of annata, the notion that there is no true self.  That morning we learned Metta meditation, loving-kindness.  Goenka warned us not to attempt to practice it until our minds were completely free of agitation.  Well, that let me off the hook!  So I just sat back and enjoyed the pleasantness in the room.   I thought back through the past ten days and everything that I had been through.  It was the utmost of worldly awesomeness.  Then I let "good" and "bad" labels dissolved and I saw it just as it was.  It just was.  Kind of too powerful to put into words but I think you get what I'm saying.

Gotama the Buddha spent the first 35 years of his life in ignorance and on his spiritual quest for something more.   When he found it, he spent his remaining 45 years serving others and training others who would continue serving and teaching what he had discovered.  It was all out of his compassion for people stuck in the unfortunate human condition.  What a guy!  The technique has spread from teacher to student for 25 centuries all the way to Goenka.  There was even a prophecy somewhere along the way that said 2500 years after Buddha, Vipassana would finally catch on and spread to the masses (outside of the few who could travel to Burma where Goenka was teaching small courses).  And it has, with hundreds of meditation centers being built and used all over the world.  Many centers, including the one where I sat the course, are used only for the purpose of free Vipassana courses by the Dhamma Society.  The whole thing was built using donated funds from past participants.  If that's not spreading the love, I don't know what is.  

When we were finally allowed to speak again, it was better than I had ever imagined.  My expectations were far surpassed.  To laugh, smile, hum whistle and sing, express my varied emotions to others with words... all lead to some very pleasant physical sensations!!  Because our cell phones were stored separately from our bags, I didn't think we'd be able to make calls until we left on Day 11.  After catching up with Liang (from Blaine, Washington) and doing a jig, I suddenly saw everyone talking on their cell phones!!  I called my mum and my sister, which was very surreal.

My sister: Hello?

Me: Hiiiii!!!!

My sister: I missed you soooo much!  

Me: I missed YOU so much!

My sister: I have so much to tell you.  I wrote it all down at home.

Me: I have so much to tell you!  But I couldn't write it down!

Then I finally wrote it all down.  What a release, and a relief.  There is an expression in Vipassana, "growing in Dhamma", meaning, developing the positive mental qualities that gradually dissolve the ego.  Oom passed me and joked, "Louise, you're GLOWING in Dhamma!"  I love puns!  And I was glowing.  I can't recall such a truly happy, wonderful day in my entire life.  I've done a lot of great things, had a ton of fun, but this was amazing on a completely new level.   

That night at the 6:00PM session, I felt sentimental.  I looked around the room at these 40 people, so quiet, so peaceful.  I really thought, I'm kind of going to miss this.  I stretched my left leg out to the side and stared at my foot.  I started to think, look at this foot. This marvelous foot that has taken me all over the world.  Where did it come from?  I didn't make it myself.  My mother didn't make it.  Sure, her actions led to the creation of the foot, but she just did her thing and the foot was made.  Universal intelligence made my foot.  Wow.  Then I thought about my sense receptors, which are in top working order as far as I know.  My hands, which do the majority of the work for me; my vision which is, at this moment, at its peak; my taste buds; my nose, smeller of flowers and pheromones; my ears... music!  And above all the others, my mind.  My capacity to think!  Which has been nurtured and expanded by so many people: teachers, mentors, friends, enemies, my mum and all the people that loved me and cared about me.  How blessed I felt, thinking about all of this.  How wonderful to exist.  To be.  

For the last discourse, Goenka explained how we are to utilize the technique in our daily lives.  We should return for another 10-day course at least once a year.  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  We should practice for one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening.  Um, no, sorry.  He knows you're about to say "how can you give up two hours of your day" so he tells us that actually, you'll find you need less sleep yet will have the same amount of energy.  You'll do your work with more focus and you will be less drained from whatever it is that you are doing during the day.  I'm drained even when I haven't done anything all day!  I love what I've learned, but there's no way I could do what he's asking.  I think WAY too much.  I've gotten so much out of this course.  Can't that be enough?  He stresses that theory and practice should go together.  We should keep on discovering the universal law of nature and apply it to daily life.  "When you break the law of nature, you are punished.  When you live according to the law of nature, you are rewarded by it, right then and there."  Act immorally, generate mental defilements, and nature punishes you.  Then he said something that really rang true with me.  "If you find the technique is good, maintain it in its purity.  Otherwise, find a technique that works for you and work seriously on it.  Don't take a little bit of everything for your whole life.  Make trials, then make a decision.  Be serious about what you find and work on it."  I had a few leads from people I had met in India, so I thought, I'll look into them, but I really shouldn't be dabbling so much here and there like I have been my whole life.  Why has "meditate" been on my to-do list for years?  Why is it so hard to find something that works for you and to stick with it?  Sam, an Aussie guy who had now completed three courses, told me that it will get easier as I keep practicing.  I told him that that's not gonna happen.  "Just do five minutes a day.  Practice physical awareness for five minutes before you fall asleep and five minutes when you first wake up.  See what happens."  OK, maybe.  I did that for a few weeks.  Then I started doing 20 minute sittings.  Eventually it was twice a day.  Now it's 30 minutes and growing, ever-so-slowly.  It's still hard.  I spend a lot of time on anapana trying to develop the focus and concentration.  I'm often unsuccessful in getting the monkey to shut up.  But that's OK.  There's no right time frame.  Progress isn't measured by how quickly you can get established in the technique.  Maybe it's like vitamins; some say you have to take them every day for six months before you start noticing effects.  I'll be patient.  I already notice effects.  I still react, but Goenka was right; I come out the reaction and balance myself out much more quickly.  Is it because I'm meditating every day?  Could be.  Whether there's a right explanation or not, I like it.  And it is what it is.

I'd like to recommend that everyone do a 10-day Vipassana course.  I can't say that if you do the course you'll have any experience similar to the one I've described.  Some people get over the biggest hurdle after Day Three. Some after Day Five.  Some never experience the little awakening moment that I had.  Others get it ten-fold.  There's a lot more to the theory as well, far too detailed to share with you in this limited space, but beneficial and worth learning about nonetheless. 

I also must disclose that a lot of my writing about Vipassana theory have not been properly quoted or cited, but all of it came from notes I took on Day Ten, and the books The Art of Living by Wiliam Hart and The Discourse Summaries by S.N. Goenka.  Whether or not you do a course yourself I suggest you read The Art of Living: Vipassana Meditation As Taught by S.N. Goenka by William Hart.  Preferable, precede it with A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.  And if you want to speak to me about any questions or discuss any of this further, get in contact with me via this blog.  I want to be a pointer, a signpost to lead you on your own path of Dhamma.  I can say, without a doubt,  that it is worth the undertaking.   

"May all beings be free from suffering, free from misery.  May all beings experience true peace, true harmony, true happiness."

Dr. Vipassana: Days 6 & 7

Approximately 100 hours spent sitting on this thing

DAY SIX

Day Six was exactly how Goenka had warned us it would be: one of the worst.  For me at least, nearly unbearable.  It was the climax of pain, the crescendo of misery!  Four more days?!  Four more days!!  How am I going to get through this?  What will become of me?  This too shall pass... ever so slowly... slow and steady wins the race... come on Louise, keep it together.  My back was throbbing ten minutes into the first morning session.  Half way through, I had all but given up.  Not to mention that the incessant thought monkey just wouldn't let up, and good, because when I just sat there lost in thought it distracted me from my aching back.  Even though I wasn't supposed to, I changed positions, I opened my eyes, I just sat on my cushion thinking about anything pleasant or repeating all those things I didn't want to forget to tell you, him and her.  I was sufficiently pissed off.  And then I had a very violent but telling dream.  

After breakfast I fell fast asleep and dreamt that MY suitcase had been stolen and was being held for ransom by an Asian man who worked at a pawn shop in a city that looked like Dalat, Vietnam.  I went to the store to retrieve my suitcase and he said, "That will be $1100.  You can pay it."  And I shouted, "Ransom!  Ransom!!" but nobody heard or cared.  I went into another room where his assistant (a smaller and more helpless-looking Asian man) was and I started violently beating him, choking him and shouting in his face, "Where is it?!  Give me my suitcase back!"  I was frantically opening drawers and cupboards; this strange place was filled with other people's things which were to eventually be sold.  As someone who strongly believes in nonviolence, I was shocked at how much anger and rage I had inside me, even if it was just in dreamland.  He finally gave in and said, "Is it the red one?"  I said, "NO!  QUATCHI!" (I'm still sporting the Quatchi luggage tag that Raj gave me.)  I finally found it in the cupboard, grabbed it and walked out onto the street, only to realize that I didn't have my purse!  I'll leave the interpretation up to you.  

Despite the mental turmoil, a part of me still knew it was all in my head, that I was doing it to myself, and there wasn't anything else actually wrong.  I thought, if you could only change your attitude.... but I wasn't ready to do that yet.  I could see my potential but it was just out of reach.  I was the one withholding it from myself.  I was far too identified with my back pain and my craving to leave.  To feel all this fury within me, and at the same time to be outside looking in... I could see exactly what I was doing to myself.  It was the hardest time I've ever had--with anything.  I had agreed to give full trial to this technique for 10 days, yet I could barely get myself established in it.  I didn't think I had the will to continue.  Sometimes I thought to myself, how lame am I?!  I should just leave.  I've failed.  I'm tired of this.  I get the point.  Can I go home now?  But then on the other shoulder was a voice in my ear: but you'll miss the discourses!  You still have things you need to learn!  Just get through these last few days and you'll be free!  Free from what, though? 

Before the discourse started that night, I approached Oom and told her about my back problems.  I had a furrowed brow and a grimace on my face.  

Me: Oom, my back is getting worse and worse.  I think I have a pinched nerve!

Oom: I think it's going to be alright.

Me: You do?!

Oom:  You should talk to the teacher about it after the last session tonight.

Me: You think she might be able to help me?

Oom: Yes I do.

Me: OK I'll talk to her.

Goenka looked at us all through the TV screen that night with a knowing smile... "So you want to run away..." hehehe.  How does he ALWAYS know?!  These lectures must have been filmed twenty years ago!  "You doubt the technique.  You say, 'no, this is not the one for me.'  You doubt yourself, 'I just can't do this right now, maybe another time would be better.'  You doubt the teacher."  Well, I doubted that she really understood my questions and wasn't just responding with a few key words of Vipassana-related English.  "Sometimes we may be so agitated that we fidget or find excuses to avoid meditating.  Sometimes skepticism undermines the will to work -- obsessive, unreasoning doubts about the teacher, or the teaching, or our own ability to meditate.  When suddenly faced with these difficulties, we may think of giving up the practice altogether.  At such moments we must understand that these hindrances have arisen only in reaction to our success in practicing awareness."  Well then all this strife is a good sign!  I'm right on track!!  "If we persevere they will gradually disappear."  Oh, would you let me go home already.  "As meditators, we would be wise not to become depressed or discouraged when faced with these difficulties, but instead to understand that it takes time to change the ingrained mental habits of years.  It can be done only by working repeatedly, continuously, patiently and persistently."  Patiently and persistently.  Patiently and persistently.....No mantras allowed, Louise!   But then there was good news, finally a redeeming aspect of this terrible day.  Goenka explains that all the difficulties and the struggling are actually "the results of our initial success." (!!!)  "Some deeply buried conditioning has been stirred up and has started to appear at the conscious level."  Phew!  That certainly makes me feel better!  Not only that, but he says, "Thoughts may still persist, but if awareness is sustained from moment to moment, that is sufficient to start the work."  So then I think it's going to be OK.

I went to see the teacher at 9:00pm.  I knew not to ask for a chair.  That's just aversion, running from the pain.  Chairs are only for the old and the injured.  I already knew what she was going to say, but I went anyway.

Me: Teacher, my back has been hurting for three days already.

Teacher: You must... remain... equanimous to the pain.

Me: Yes, but, you don't understand.  It's been growing and spreading, worse as the day goes on.

Teacher: You must... remain... equanimous.

Me: I know, I'm trying, but I think I've pinched a nerve and I can feel the pain shooting down my right arm.

Teacher: Remain... equanimous to the pain.

Me: Equanimous?  OK, I'll try that.

I went to bed thinking, this is such bullshit!  Sometimes pain is just pain!  Physical pain CAN be objective.  It's nerves and neurons and brain pulses, not my lack of equanimity!  Yeah I can try not to focus on it so much, but it's not just all in my head!   Part of it is certainly, most definitely in my back!  These people are crazy if they think I'm imagining this!  I'm just supposed to sit there and forget about it, and it will go away?  I don't think so!  Get me to a chiropractor!  When will this nightmare end?!  I felt broken in more ways than one.

That night I had another dream.  I was at my friend Lucy's flat in London, but it wasn't her place in Hammersmith.  It was more like a house with a small forest in the back, like you would find in Mill Valley.  Again I was trying to book a myself a ticket to return to India.  A small lion jumped in through the window.  [I often have dreams about bears and large felines getting into the house and not being able to shut the door/window in time, knowing that they could break through it anyway].  The lion lunged at me and I was frightened.  There were two other lions roaming around the room as well.  I ran into the adjacent room and slammed the door shut but there was an open window between the rooms and I knew the lion could jump right through.  I ran out the next door to the outside deck and saw Lucy pulling into the driveway with her realtor seated next to her in the car (I guess she was trying to sell the place?).  I shouted, "Lucy!  Come quick!  There are these lions in the house!"  Lucy responded, "Oh, don't worry dear, they're friendly!"  I was confused and curious, so I went back inside.  The three lions were sitting on the couch and I sat down next to them.  The small one that had lunged at me earlier turned to me and said, "Don't be scared.  We're here to help you."  Again, I'll leave the interpretation to you.

Day SEVEN

Day Seven was a continuation of Day Six... too much thinking, lots of back pain, craving the pen, craving to go crawl back into my mom's womb.  I spent the day in passive resistance, sitting silently in place, counting things- the hours left in the day, the hours left in the course, the hours left in my stay in Thailand, the hours left until I was back in the States, the hours left until grad school starts.  It was all I could do not to think about things that I wanted to write down.  I tried to do the meditation for brief moments here and there, but my ego, my pain body, my shadow self could not be suppressed.  True I was very aware of this as it was all happening, but I was still bogged down in the reactions.  Earlier in the course, when I was just getting into the anapana, I thought this is great!  My sister should do this!  My mom should do this!  Everyone should do this!  but by Day Seven I was thinking of those that I knew who had recommended it and I thought, how did they get so into it?  Am I missing something?  What's the secret?  What were they talking about?  Nearly defeated, I shrugged my shoulders.  Well, I've learned a lot.  At least one good thing has come of it.  I had yet to find out what Day Seven would bring.  "Vipassana is often described as being a flash of insight, a sudden intuition of truth."  Where are you truth?!  Through which jungle must I wander??   And then it hit me.

After dinner I felt wracked with anxiety.  Three more days.  Three more days.  The accumulation of all the thoughts I had latched onto in the last seven days was overloading my brain.  I felt like my head was about to burst open.  To try and feel better, I was speed-walking around the dormitory block in an attempt to burn off some energy.  Ideas raced through my head, mostly future blog prose, people I needed to call, and stuff I wanted to put on my to-do list.  Then I realized something.  My monkey mind paused for a second and another voice came in and said, you know YOU are causing all of this misery, this anguish.  You're doing it to yourself, no one and nothing else is responsible for it.  You're going to have to leave if you can't stop this madness, and you already decided you don't want to leave.  You're not a prisoner of this place, you're a prisoner of yourself.  So what you're going to do, is STOP thinking about the future.  Stop thinking about the moment you'll get a pen.  Think about anything else.  Think about the past, before the course started.  Think about sex!  There's something you can't blog about.  Oh that's funny.  That's definitely going in the blog.  I laughed at my ridiculousness and then ding ding ding, the bell rang.  Time for the 6:00PM Sitting of Strong Determination.  I still get butterflies in my stomach even as I am writing it now.  

I went into the meditation hall and assumed the position on my array of cushions.  I was doing it a little bit, scanning body parts, trying to be aware.  Suddenly I had a realization and started seeing everything in a different light.  This is thought rehab and you are an addict.  You MUST transcend this.  You can't stay hooked like you've been your entire life.  What is it gonna take?  Then the flash of genius: If I'm sitting here perfectly straight with equal cushioning underneath me, then why is the back pain only occurring on the right side and not on the left side?  Louise, if this pain in your back is really the physical manifestation of all of your complexes, all of your childhood shit, all of your shit from adolescence, and all your shit built up from the past four years, and that is what you came here to deal with, then go on.  Clean out the pus.  CLEAN.  OUT.  THE PUS.  And with that, I was frozen.  I sat perfectly still.  I felt the pain in my back still, but it had ceased to bother me.  I nearly stopped thinking all together.  I still had thoughts, but they were only relevant to the present moment.  Yes... that's it.  You're doing it.  Wow.  No, don't peak at your watch.  Don't crack your neck.  OK, a little crack.  Observing the back pain.  It's there, but I don't care.  Whoa, this is crazy.  Keep on going, yes!  I was almost perfectly still for the entire hour, eyes closed and everything!  I could feel my whole body at once and remained completely neutral.  My focus was sharp.  The pain in my back was the same, but the pain in my mind had evaporated.  Finally.  FINALLY!!!  I can't remember if it felt like a long hour or if the time passed quickly, but I do know that when the chanting started (the 5-minutes left indicator), I didn't feel relieved like I usually do.  Actually, tears started streaming down my face.  It was the flood.  

Suddenly, I could hear what everyone had told me and it all finally made sense:

"It was like five years of therapy." -Dylan

"First Vipassana course?  Wow, I'm jealous." -Moshe

"A lot of stuff is going to come up for you." -Andrew

"You'll see that you can't run away from yourself." -Nola

At the end of the session I walked back to my room, crying uncontrollably.  I had five minutes to pull it together before the discourse started.  Now the thoughts came back, hard and strong, but the content was completely different.  I had broken through and crossed over--on the experiential level!!  After only an hour of doing the meditation properly (or in what I believe was the correct way), I had a feeling in every fiber of my being that everything is going to be OK.  I have this now.  I've internalized it and I can keep going with it, and life CAN get better.  I felt so much gratitude.  I felt grateful to the Buddha, as silly as that sounds.  I felt grateful to Goenka for popularizing the method and designing these courses.  I felt grateful to all the people that contributed to making this very course possible.  I felt grateful to the people that made it possible for me to come here.  And then I felt grateful for everything, seemingly good and seemingly bad, that had led me to this moment.  

I thought about it, and I traced it back seven years to the confrontational dreams I had had about my estranged father when I was 17.  That and wanting to study in Europe, which led to my trip there in 2004.  That led to me falling in love with Paris.  Then returning to study there in 2006 and meeting the Kiwi at Oktoberfest, the one who I went to Croatia with the next year where I met the second Kiwi.  And that second Kiwi who invited me to New Zealand in 2008, which was a very difficult year for me, but led to my move to Australia in 2009.  And the sublet I had in North Richmond, the Vietnamese neighborhood in Melbourne.  That made me want to go to Vietnam.  And then the Irish girl in the office where I worked who had been to South East Asia and told me to go to Angkor Wat too.  And then the people of Cambodia who revealed to me just how much love and compassion my heart had hidden before it blossomed like a lotus flower.  And the Britons that I met in Cambodia who inspired me to return there to volunteer.  And the Forgotten International, the organization that my mom told me about, which, in looking at the website, gave me the idea to go to Northern India to volunteer as well.  And J. Doolittle, who mentioned Dharamsala in that very brief conversation we had over Facebook chat.  I have to give credit also to my summer romance, which brought me too close for comfort with my demons (fear, greed, jealousy) and turned this trip into a "spiritual journey" and a quest for healing.  Then in Dharamsala there was Dylan, whom I met fresh out of a Vipassana course at the nameless restaurant because my favorite momo stand was closed.  And even the old man!!  The straw that broke the camel's back; the one who tried to kiss me and I was so repulsed and fed up with men in Dharamsala that I got on the next bus out of town.  And that bus!!  The bus with the broken seat where Moshe was sitting, a guy who (coincidentally?) had done three Vipassana courses!  Moshe, so convincing, who hammered in the nail that Dylan had placed in my mind and persuaded me to go and encouraged me despite my hesitations.  And A New Earth, oh Mr. Eckhart Tolle how I love you.  That book was the intellectual primer for everything that was to come.  The course would have been completely different for me without that book as my foundation.

It's hard to further describe what happened to me that night.  It is truly wordless and formless.  But I will tell you this.  I no longer fear the unknown.  The future doesn't scare me.  Occasionally I'll think ahead two years and have a moment of panic, but it's so apparent to me now, and it subsides quickly after recognition and a moment of observation.  This seems like it should be the end of the story, but my friends, there are still a few more days to tell you about.  I'll be honest with you, (and ask you to accept that) we've reached the climax of the Vipassana tales, and now begins the dénouement....

Goenka looked at us very sternly through the screen that night.  He knew I had had my big breakthrough.  "Work seriously.  You have three days left, but only two more days to work seriously."  On Day Ten we were to learn a new meditation method (loving kindness- yay!) and finally get to partake in the "Noble Chatter" hehehe.  I couldn't believe it- I suddenly wanted more time!!  I was thankful that I had the next two days to work on this and try to get more of what I had just experienced.  "When we are aware of the sensations within the body, and at the same time maintain equanimity, in those moments the mind is free."  Mmm, yes it's true.  Without my noticing, craving started to creep in.  "Just as there are hindrances to your practice, there are friends which can help you if you keep them by your side: faith, devotion, and confidence.  Without confidence one cannot work, being always agitated by doubts and skepticism."  I had no more worries.  I went to sleep that night feeling very happy and newly committed to this effort.  The future looked bright ahead, but how quickly I forgot that the future isn't where the magic happens.  

Dr. Vipassana: Days 4 & 5

Before I go on with the story, I want to give you Vipassana theory in a nutshell.  Of course there is a lot more to it, but here is the nitty gritty, as I understand.

Gotama Siddartha, a very wise man indeed, hailed from India 2500 years ago.  He was born into wealth and nobility and yet remained deeply unhappy.  He wandered the jungles of India for six years  pondering life and looking for a solution to his spiritual crisis.  He not only realized that life is suffering, he realized why it is suffering, and he figured out a way (or rather re-discovered the way) to liberate yourself from your misery and live a happy and right life.  He meditated and worked on the technique for many years before 'attaining enlightenment'.  His understanding of the misery of the human condition and his compassion for all beings led to his dedication to a life as a spiritual teacher and he invited people to his ashram (spiritual center) to teach them the meditation technique that would eradicate their suffering.    

The reason why life is suffering, no matter how much love or money you get, is because of three mental reactions: craving, clinging and aversion.  There is a universal law of impermanence and it says that all things that come must go.  Everything that arises passes away.  EVERYTHING.  The clothes you are wearing, your body, the things you own, the friends you have, the experiences you have, the food you eat, the illnesses, the good times, the bad times.  EVERYTHING.  So understand this at the experiential level as you observe the fleeting sensations in your own body and you will be able to apply it to your external experience as well.  Don't crave for things that have not yet and may not ever come, and don't crave for things that have already gone.  Don't cling to a pleasantry that exists in this moment, for it is sure to pass as well.  And don't be averse to a bad thing because it's on it's way out eventually too.  Being averse only creates unnecessary negative energy that harms you and those you come into contact with.  These three mental reactions ('sankharas' in Pali, the ancient language Buddha spoke) are the cause of our suffering, and they get stored inside us as we go through life.  Through the technique of Vipassana meditation, we are taught to remain equanimous (neutral, objective) to all good and bad sensations that arise in our body with the underlying understanding of the law of impermanence.  

To get started one must practice Anapana, the technique of observing respiration--not forcing it in any way like pranayama, but just watching it as it naturally is, even if shallow.  This fine tunes the mind so that we can focus our full attention on the sensations of the body.  Then we are to observe the sensations and work on remaining equanimous- without the reactions of clinging or aversion.  This will help recondition and change the habit pattern of the mind so that we can remain equanimous to all the vicissitudes of life.  (This is where my opinion starts to diverge a bit:)  If you stop producing the mental reactions, then your old stock of reactions stored deep inside you will rise to the surface--as sensations physically manifested.  If you remain equanimous towards the old ones, you will eventually eradicate them all and run out.  And if you run out of old ones and don't produce new ones, that is when you will be liberated from all your misery and become ENLIGHTENED!  And if you attain enlightenment, you'll stop the reincarnation cycle of being brought back into consciousness (most likely in human form) for more suffering.  Like I said, there's a lot more to it, and I'm not sure that I agree with all of it, but this is just a primer for you.    

DAY FOUR

There was a sign downstairs on the way to the dining hall that changed every few days.  On the fourth day it read, "TODAY IS VIPASSANA DAY."  How exciting!  The schedule would be slightly different and at 3:00pm we were to learn the Vipassana meditation technique.  We continued with Anapana all morning, which was beginning to seriously bore me, and after lunch we started.  We were supposed to work from head to toe in an effort to feel sensations on the surface of the body.  Starting with a small part of the scalp and working small sections on each part, we took focus on various limbs and sections trying to notice a sensation, remain objective ("equanimous") and then immediately move to the next section.  When the first session was over I thought, that's it?!  This is Vipassana?  Take me back to Anapana!  I wanna go back to Anapana!  Clinging.  Aversion.  To think that this is the start of a process that could lead to enlightenment!  I thought, Well maybe I don't wanna be enlightened.  Maybe I just want to ease the suffering a little bit, and not have to go through all this trouble to fully 'eradicate' it.  I'd rather just end the blind suffering.  Isn't suffering a part of life anyway?  

We are taught that suffering is caused by attachment; attachment to sensual gratification, to our sense of self (that beloved ego), to material possessions (the "mine" that adds to our sense of "I"), and to our views and beliefs, which we see as the only ones that could possibly be right.  I felt like an eighth grader trying to justify skipping Algebra class.  I thought, I LIKE attachment!  How do you live a life without attachment, anyway?  I'm not moving into a nunnery!  I'm still going to have sex; still going to have boyfriends, best friend(s), chocolate, ice cream, chocolate ice cream.  I'll miss them when they're gone and want them to come back again.  Isn't life supposed to be full of highs and lows?  Non-reaction and non-judgment, those are things I can stand for!  But non-attachment?  I'm only human after all!  I just want to die happy.  But as we were to find out, first you have to learn to live happy.  

By the end of the day I started to feel a dull pain in the right side of my back, just next to and under my shoulder blade.  And then I came to a HUGE realization: why I am averse to exercise.  I am averse to exercise (as well as extreme temperatures, i.e., anything outside of the 18C-25C range) because I mentally identify so much with the physical pain and discomfort.  I react, and then create a strong attachment to the unpleasant sensations that exercise causes.  I don't think, Ah, this pain is making my muscles grow!  It's building my stamina, great!  Instead it's, Poor me, it hurts, it hurts!  I don't like this!  I'm not gonna do it anymore, and you can't make me!  Too bad I'd promised these people (and myself) that I wouldn't run away screaming and crying.  So I screamed and cried on the inside, and caused so much misery for myself.  

Again, Goenka's nightly discourse spoke to the experience I (and maybe the others) had been having that day.  He says not to worry, at first we will react to the sensations we're having.  Gradually, we'll reach the stage where we can smile at any sensation and refrain from attaching to the pleasure or the pain, knowing that it is bound to pass away.  Easy to say, but dude, my back really hurts.  He explains that the technique is not to experience something special, but rather to remain equanimous in the face of any sensation.  So what's in it for me, again?  Living peacefully starts with learning how not to generate a mental reaction in the present moment.  We are seeing for ourselves how the mental reaction is the cause of the multiplication of misery.  We will be on our path to liberation when we can start practicing objective observation of all sensations without forming clinging/craving or aversion.  This is the work that is necessary to change the habit pattern of the mind, of blind reaction.  OK, I'm gonna try harder tomorrow!

A few more interesting points in the fourth night's discourse...  Gotama the Buddha found that there are three types of action: mental, vocal, and physical.  The latter two stem from the first.  You have a negative thought or emotion, which you can then vocalize, and it can often escalate into physical violence.  Therefore, the mental action is the cause of the others, the seed, and this is the place where we must start the change.  What causes the mental reaction?  Ignorance.  We are unaware of the fact that we react, and unaware of the real nature of what we react to, that nature being IMPERMANENCE.  It's all starting to make sense...but only in my head for now.

DAY FIVE

Dave Five was ROUGH.  I was resistant and my ego was taking over.  I was trying to go on with the technique, starting again every time I involuntarily hopped on the path of wild thinking.  But eventually I became fatigued.  A bit more than half-way through the day, I just could not bring myself to do it any longer.  The negative reactions started cranking.  

That morning Oom had approached me at breakfast.

Oom: I noticed you were not at the 4:30 meditation session.  Do you need someone to wake you?

Me: No, I've just been doing it in my room since I can sit in my chair.

Oom: You'll learn more sitting on the floor.

Me:  Yeah, but my back pain is killing me!

Oom: That's what we're here to observe.

I thought, this woman is crazy.  These people are crazy.  Observe the pain?  I'm here to eradicate suffering, not cause more of it!  I decided at some point that day, I'm averse to this technique.  Me no likey.  Yet I wasn't even half-way to the finish!  At dinner I laughed at myself.  This is exactly what's supposed to happen.  You're supposed to realize your aversion and use it as a tool to transcend.  Come on Louise, transcend this.  You can do it.  That night I could sit with the pain for about 20 minutes.  Back pain.  Yes.... hello again.  How are you?  Not so good?  Tough shit.  You're here to stay, and that's fine with me.  Around the twenty-five minute mark, I hear this in my mind:  Ow.  Owww... Oh god, oh my goodness.... Owwwwey!!!!  It hurts it hurts!!  Make it stop!  Then I shifted position 10 times, which we're really not supposed to do in our thrice-daily 'Sittings of Strong Determination'!  I didn't care anymore.  The pain was excruciating and only grew worse as the day progressed.  I couldn't wait to lie down.  In fact, any time I wasn't sitting on the floor of the meditation hall it seemed to lessen in intensity.  

Goenka was too on it that night: "You think you're being equanimous to the discomfort... you sit for 15 minutes, 30 minutes; some of you can remain equanimous for 45 minutes!  And then it starts.  The mental multiplication of your pain.  You can't take it anymore and you start making it worse for yourself in your mind.  Then the chanting starts on the audio [which indicates 5 minutes left to go]  and suddenly you feel the relief!"  Too true, Mr. Goenka, too true.  He tells us that (according to Vipassana theory) we can stop turning the wheel of suffering by starting at the level of sensation.  Remember impermanence, that the pain--as well as the pleasures--will change, and to observe the sensations equanimously is the only way to stop the reactions from developing into liking and disliking, clinging/craving and aversion.  We're so ingrained in our mental habit patterns; we react to sensations by rolling in pleasure or reeling in pain.  Either way, the agitation remains.  I realized why we weren't allowed to talk to the other meditators- because we'd commiserate and mentally multiply the pain for each other! 

Goenka made a very thought-provoking analogy that night.  He was referring to our attachment to "my" and "mine", those material things that contribute to our sense of "I"dentity  (like my pun?), despite the fact that we don't take them with us when we leave this Earth.   He said that an international student brought him a watch as a gift, made abroad and with parts you can't easily replace in India.  The watch falls on the ground and breaks and he cries, "My watch!  My watch!!  I can't find replacement parts here!  What am I going to do!  Boo hoo!!!"  Same exact watch, same year manufactured, same model, belonging to a friend, falls on the ground and breaks.  You don't cry.  You go to your friend and say, "Mate, you should really be more careful.  They don't make these spare parts here in India!"  So he asks, what if we could examine our pain objectively, as if it were someone else's pain?  

He also said something that made me think of Dylan.  He said that you start the next life in whatever mental state you end this one in.  That is why suicide does not work as a means to end suffering, because you die with so much anger and rage in your last moments and you're born carrying all that with you.  Now I'm not sure if I believe in reincarnation, but if there is any truth to what he says, then good for Dylan to have died meditating in the mountains and most likely in a very peaceful state.  Maybe he didn't even have a chance to perceive the lightning that killed him, and in that case, he was fortunate.  

Goenka teaches that "attachment to what is impermanent is bound to bring misery."  This reminds me of an expression: "Don't sweat the small stuff.  It's all small stuff."  Well how about, "Don't get attached to the impermanent..." you know where it goes from here.  

Dr. Vipasanna OR How I Learned to Stop Whining and Love the Pain: Days 1-3

(I'm breaking up the days into separate posts so I can get this to you faster.)

"Start with a calm, quiet mind.  Alert and attentive mind.  Work ardently and diligently, patiently, persistantly.  Patiently and persistently.  And you are bound to be successful.  Bound to be successful."

Oh, Vipasssana Vipassana.  Where do I begin?  You can imagine that after 10 days without any writing utensils with which to record my thoughts, my mind would be a little backed up!!  I'll start by saying that it was a culmination of a lot of things for me.  I've been searching searching searching for a long time now and I finally feel like I've come to a place where healing has begun.  Everything ties together: what I learned in India, what I learned in Tolle's A New Earth (great book, by the way!) and now what I know from the Vipassana course.  On the first day of my trip, on the drive into Delhi from the airport I cried.  I looked around and I thought, "we just get so bogged down by it all."  And I teared up in silence.  Now I know exactly what it was that I was referring to: our own thoughts.

The 10-day Vipassana course was the hardest thing I've ever done.  It was the best thing I've ever done.  It was the most painful thing I've ever done. And it taught me more about myself and life than I've ever learned before.  I decided before I went that pain is my new favorite teacher.  You learn the greatest lessons from the bad stuff.  To quiet it with booze and drugs is no service to yourself (not that I didn't have a beer the moment I got back to civilization!  But I'm just saying.) 

I arrived at the center on November 3.  I relinquished all of my note taking and music making equipment.  I wasn't going to be allowed to speak with the other participants.  I was to adhere to a strict regimen- 17 hour days, 11 of which were to be spent working on the meditation technique that was being taught incrementally every day.  I had to commit more than a couple of times to stay for the entire 10 days of the course.  I was going to be taught by a strange Burmese-raised Indian man through audio and video tapes, with a real-life 'assistant teacher' and volunteer 'Dhamma servers' there to help with the technique and for any material problems.  I was delighted to know that I would be rooming and meditating next to a Chinese girl from Blaine, Washington!!  I was surprised that we had our own rooms.  The center, Dhamma Simanta, located on a piece of land outside of Lamphun in Northern Thailand, was only recently built.  All the facilities were sparkling new.  The surrounding hills, the sunrises and sunsets, and the quiet were very conducive to the task at hand.  And so it began.

DAY ZERO

The new students had to take five precepts under the strict Code of Discipline:  to abstain from killing, stealing, lying, sexual activity and intoxicants.  Basically any action that harms ourselves or others, or hinders learning.  

We had an orientation where we learned the basics of what was to happen in the next ten days.  There were to be three group meditations per day: 8:00am, 2:30pm and 6:00pm.  For the 4:00am and the 1:00pm meditation periods, we could meditate in in our rooms if we chose.  For the 9:00am and the 3:30 sittings, we were to stay in the hall unless otherwise instructed, but could get up and walk around outside briefly if desired.  For the group sittings we were to stay in the hall for the full hour, unless there was an emergency (like if we REALLY couldn't wait to go to the toilet).  There were ten-minute breaks throughout the day and nap time after meals.  Every night at 7:00pm there was a 75-minute 'discourse', a DVD we would watch with a lecture from Goenka.  These were so chock full of wisdom, I loved every minute of them.  He always seemed to know what I had gone through that day, and seemed to be speaking directly to my experience.  When I was feeling terrible, he'd infuse the lecture with great analogies and humorous moments that would lighten the load.  The discourses were the best thing about the whole course, but unfortunately you can't just watch them and learn everything you need to know.  You have to have the corresponding experience to fully grasp the teachings.  

The first night I slept like a baby!! I crashed out at 9:15; it had been a short journey from Chiang Mai (two hours) but a hard day still; I spent the morning writing a letter to Dylan's sister recounting our four days together with as much detail as I could remember so I was feeling a bit drained, emotionally.

DAY ONE

I woke up feeling so refreshed thinking, hmm, when will the 4:00am bell go off?  I looked at my watch--it was 6:05!!   My body's sleep clock was such that I was in deep, paralyzed sleep at 4:00 and didn't even hear the bell ring.  I ran to the hall where Goenka's chants in Pali were playing on the audio.  Breakfast followed, then group meditation.  From 9:00am-11:00am, we were told that new students could return to their residence to meditate if they wanted.  I decided I'd meditate lying down... we all know what that lead to! 

So I was off to a slow start.  The instruction was to observe respiration.  Just watch the breath.  And watch the mind as you go absolutely crazy.  That's when I realized how insane I truly am.  I could watch my breath for all of 1.5 seconds before another thought came through.  It was like a fast-flowing river that I could not possibly dam.   I also realized just how attached to my thoughts I am.  I used to think that writing them down was a way of releasing them, of freeing myself from them.  Au contraire!  Writing is a way of keeping them protected, of remaining attached to my thoughts.  The compulsion to remember until I could have a chance to write them down (ten days from now) was infuriating.  For someone who 'doesn't like writing', I sure as hell missed it!!   Every time my mind wandered I was to, instead of condemning myself or feeling disappointed, take notice: "Mind has wandered."  And bring it back to focus on the breath.  I must've done this 1,000 times in the first hour alone.  It was grueling, to say the least!  

That night in Goenka's discourse we learned that we were about to conduct a deep surgery of our minds.  We had to make a firm commitment to stay for the entire course.  You wouldn't stop a surgeon who has just cut you open and say, "I don't think I'm ready for this; why don't I come back next month?"  He says that things may come up from deep within, like the pus from a wound, and we're going to have to clean out the pus.  He warns that the second and sixth days are the hardest for most students.  

Goenka also explains that, as we've observed for ourselves, the mind is always drifting into the past or the future, i.e. the unattainable.  It doesn't want to be in the present where the breath is; it wants to run wild and hop to and fro like an untamed animal.  This is the cause of our misery and agitation.  He warns against using any visualization or verbalization like imagining an image or repeating a mantra; these practices only serve to calm the mind while our goal is to purify the mind by observing it just as it is: INSANE.  I thought at that point, maybe all I NEED is to calm my mind!  I just want to be free from agitation!  I'm not ready for all this!  But it was too late to turn back.   In these ten days we are to discover our internal reality.  We are to go beyond our beliefs or intellectual conception of 'I', 'me' and 'mine' and experience truth.  OK, I was a little bit excited by this prospect.  If the purpose of life is to come out of misery, and this course can teach me, I'll keep on trying.  

DAY TWO

The next day was sure difficult, but not the worst (yet).  The thought butterfly could land on my breath for slightly longer today before fluttering off again.  I would end up lost in thoughts for a good ten minutes before I even realized.  I thought compulsively about Dylan's death.  The memory of the moment I saw it on his Facebook wall, followed by a voice saying How can he be dead? repeated itself over and over.  I wondered, if I hadn't read the news of his death only the day before the course, would I still be so plagued by my monkey mind?  Probably.  On the second day and the days to follow, songs played repeatedly in my head.  Eric Hutchison singing, We get lost in the back of our minds... followed by "Unchained Melody" time.... goes by..... so slowly...., not to mention "Lady Marmalade" at every meal when I'd spread marmalade on my toast.  I had to visualize turning off the tape player on my old boom box.  That worked for all of two seconds until the song started again.  Mind has wandered away.  Mind has wandered away, goddamnit!!  I was seeing my true nature-- and it was NOT a pretty sight!

I dreamt a lot about being on the computer.  It was weird to be away from my favorite machine, this extension of myself and window to the world.  I also dreamt a lot about travel, being at airports, being back in London trying to get a ticket for another trip to India (maybe back to the place I was before I was confronted with so much of myself).

The discourse on the second night was great.  Goenka taught us that Buddha found out through self-examination (25 centuries ago), the same thing that a scientist at "Berkeley University" (love it!) figured out by building a contraption he called "the bubble machine".  They both discovered that the most basic atomic structures found in the human body are changing a kajillion times (10x22 to be exact) every second.   The ultimate reality of matter is that there are constant streams of waves and particles continuously arising and passing away.  The processes of the mind are changing at an even faster rate.  Buddha's examination revealed four basic processes: consciousness, the part that cognizes, for example, hears a sound and notes something has happened!; perception, the part that recognizes and identifies, e.g., the sound of a bird chirping; sensation, the feeling of good or bad that arises when something is perceived; and reaction, the clinging or aversion to the feeling: That was good I want more! or That was bad, go away!  

The work we are doing is to change the last part four.  If we remain neutral to the sensation, we don't make a mental reaction and we don't have the clinging or aversion that causes our suffering.  To accept the present moment and to remain objective to it, that is what will bring us out of suffering.  Sustaining our awareness through meditation is what will change the habit pattern of the mind, which otherwise will remain filled with ignorance, craving and aversion.  If we can recognize our inner tensions and learn how to remove them, we can use our minds to serve us and others in more constructive ways.  Goenka repeats, "you have to walk the path.  No one else can do it for you."  I realized that eight more days of this is gonna be HARD.

DAY THREE

Day Three was one of the worst.  We continued with ten hours of breath observation, this time trying to feel for any sensations (tickle, itch, pressure, vibrations, etc.) in the area around our nostrils and upper lip.  We were to let it be and not react by touching it.  Don't scratch that itch!  Fine, but the incessant thought monkey was still driving me crazy.  I couldn't stop thinking in the past tense, that is, prose which I would eventually be writing to you in this blog here.  I thought about this person and that person, things I wanted/needed to tell them when I would finally be free from this voluntary prison.  I thought of ALL the things I've been meaning to tell you, and I felt intense frustration at not being able to jot it all down (for the next SEVEN days!)  By the afternoon I really started losing it.  I thought of details about my time with Dylan that I had forgotten to include in the letter I wrote to his sister.  That was the crescendo of the thought torture.  I fantasized about stealing the pencil from the laundry sign-in sheet in the kitchen.  I could make notes on toilet paper!!  Great plan!

After dinner I took my problem to Oom, the Dhamma server who spoke the best English.  

Me: Oom, I need to ask you something.  I have a compulsive tendency to write down my thoughts, and I'm going absolutely crazy.

Oom: We all want to write down our thoughts, even me.   But it's only the third day.

Me: I know, I don't know what I'm going to do.  I feel miserable!  (tears were welling up in my eyes)

Oom: Just observe it, and be kind to yourself.

Me: OK!

With that I went to my room and cried and cried.  The discourse that night seemed like it was made me for!  It was full of hilarious analogies and stories.  The best of which was the following.  Goenka talked about beauty in integration, and how when something is disintegrated, it doesn't hold the same beauty we project upon it when it's in full.  The husband says to the wife, "Oh, your beautiful hair, long, luscious locks!"  Then a strand of the wife's hair ends up in his soup and he says, "What is this?!  You have dirtied my dinner with your hair!  Take it away."  "But I thought you said my hair was beautiful?"  Same with nails.  "Oh, long, polished beautiful nails!"  One of them ends up in the food and it's: "You have dirtied my meal!  Take it away!"  Same with teeth, looking gorgeous all together in a set, like a string of pearls.  Remove one and it's just a chunk of bone!!  I laughed and I felt better.  I even accidently broke noble silence on my way out telling Oom, "I love the videos!"  I immediately felt guilt and vowed not to let anything else slip out!  (Oom told me at the end of the course when I apologized that she didn't even hear me.)

Goenka stressed again that the real cause of suffering is the reaction of the mind and the first step towards liberation is to accept reality as it is, not as we would like it to be.  We're going to have to observe suffering (and pleasurable sensations as well) in an objective manner.  To observe our anger and resentment will help speed up the process of its dissolution.   Goenka also announces that we are to start learning the Vipassana method tomorrow!  Wait, what?  What the hell have we been doing up to now?  Oh, right!  Anapana.  Breath observation.  Oh this is getting exciting!  Goenka explains that the only way to be truly liberated from our suffering is not through books or lectures, or having blind faith in someone else's words, but to learn it ourselves and observe truth within us, at the experiential level.  And to that, I said, Bring it on!